Stay
by SlackerDee
Summary: Sookie Stackhouse is head over heels in love with Eric Northman, despite a big problem that hangs between them. Tired, lonely, and hating herself, she makes a decision that will make her a new woman.  A/H, Lemons, I Write The Songs Entry


**I Write The Songs Contest Entry**

TITLE: Stay

CHARACTERS: Sookie Stackhouse, Eric Northman, and Amelia Broadway

DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVM or any of it's characters. The song used for this fic is Stay by Sugarland and I do not own that either.

PEN NAME: SlackerDee

BETA NAME: ARedheadThing

VIRGIN WRITER : NO

TEASER: Sookie Stackhouse is head over heels in love with Eric Northman, despite a big problem that hangs between them. Tired, lonely, and hating herself, she makes a decision that will make her a new woman.

**SPOV**

I looked up from the novel I was reading, for what must have been the thousandth time, to check the time and the date. No, I hadn't gotten the times confused; this was the night. He would come to me, as he always did on Wednesday nights at 6. Only fifteen more minutes and he'd be here.

Anticipation had my heart fluttering even as the moral side of me started scolding. What would Gran think of me if she knew what I was doing? I could almost see the look of disapproval on her face. The lecture she would give me would burn my ears.

I wasn't even sure why I did this anymore. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it was a sin. People in my building knew, and it was getting harder to let those harsh, judging looks roll off like water off a duck. It was getting harder to talk to my friends since they didn't approve. It twisted me up each time he left; left me hating myself and the road I had chosen.

The hour on the clock ticked by, minute by minute, second by second. The closer it got to 6, the faster my heart beat. For the last six months, I looked forward to two days a week, Wednesdays and Fridays. Those had become the most important days to me. All the other days just passed by in a blur, sometimes quickly and sometimes tortuously slow.

The knock came at the door just like always; and just like always I sprang from my seat on my comfortable couch and ran to the door. I was breathless when I pulled it open and stared at him. Just like the first time we met, looking at him stole my breath away. I was looking at six feet of Nordic beauty. Piercing blue eyes that seemed to penetrate my soul, long blond hair that felt like silk between my fingers. He was still dressed for work in a suit tailored just for his body. The cloth somehow managed to conceal and show off the muscles of his body. My fingers itched to reach out and touch him.

I stepped back so he could come in. My next door neighbor, Maxine Fortenberry, was in the hall, and she gave me a disapproving look as I shut the door. To hell with her. I could live with my sins for another touch, another kiss, another whispered promise of someday.

I turned from closing the door and he pushed me up against it. His lips were hungry against mine as he claimed me. I buried my fingers in his hair to hold him closer. His hands went to my hips, lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pressed close, rubbing myself against the hard length that strained against his pants. The only things that separated us were his pants and the thin cotton of my panties. I always wore skirts when Eric came by.

It was always like this, frantic and needy after four days apart. It was always explosive and consuming. Sex with Eric Northman was, without a doubt, the best sex of my life. But it wasn't why I kept doing this. Sex was sex, mind altering or not. It really was more than just the sex. It was the tender moments, the way he'd look at me or touch me. The way we could talk about anything. Why, oh why, did I have to go and fall for a man who was married? Why did my heart demand his attentions when I knew that he belonged to another?

My shirt was swept up and over my head, and his lips were warm against my skin as he worked his way down from my neck to the swell of my breasts. I was braced against the door, and I clung to him as his large hands covered my breasts, fingers teasing my pebbled nipples. A low moan tore from my throat as he tugged the lace down and lowered his head to drag his tongue over my nipple.

"Eric," I breathed, arching my upper body as much as humanly possible so that he had better access.

"Lover," he echoed. It used to bother me how he never used my name during sex. Now it made me squirm when he called me his lover, as if I was the only one for him. The possessive tone his voice took, the heat in his eyes. Even thinking about it made shiver. Or maybe it was the way his mouth closed around my nipple and sucked that caused the shiver.

He pulled me away from the door enough to wrap his arms around me, his hands cupping my thighs as he carried me to the couch. He settled down with me in his lap. Straddling him, I tossed my head back in pure pleasure as his lips caressed my body. My hips rocked against him, and I felt his erection pressing into me.

I was getting caught up in the lust and need that were building in my body. It was hard to remember that I wanted to talk to Eric; hard to think of anything besides how his hands felt as they skimmed down my naked sides to rest on my hips. His thumb made small circles over my my waist. I licked my lips and let out a hoarse moan as he transferred his mouth to my other nipple.

His teeth grazed my skin, and I buried my hands in his hair and pulled gently. When that didn't get his attention, I tugged harder. His eyes rolled up to meet mine, and I almost changed my mind about wanting to talk. The heat in them seared right through me, and my mouth went dry. I had to lick my lips again before I could speak.

"Eric."

All I got out was his name before he covered my lips with his. I sank into the kiss, losing myself. I felt his hands go to his waistband and heard the sound of his zipper going down. Then there was a rush of cold air against my wet center as he swept my panties to the side. Everything went hot and tight as he dragged his fingers against my core, teasing, testing.

I reached down and wrapped my fingers around his cock and stroked. I ran my fingers over the swollen head and he groaned, his teeth nipping at my neck. I groped at his pocket with my other hand, twisting my fingers to find the little foil wrapped condom I knew he'd have. I pulled it out and pulled away from him enough to rip it open. I stared into his eyes as I rolled the condom over his cock. Then he was shifting ever so slightly while lifting my hips. I sank down on him, impaling myself on his cock.

Our moans filled the small room as I stretched to fill him. He filled me so completely that I felt like I would die. I braced myself by grabbing the back of the couch and began to rock and rotate my hips. His hands went to my hips, pulling me tighter against him. I squirmed and clenched my walls around him.

"Do it again," he demanded, his voice hot and harsh against my ear.

I turned my head a little so that my lips grazed the curve of his ear. "Do what?"

He growled and jacked his hips up in a sharp sudden move that buried him even deeper inside me, tearing a long moan from my throat. Instead of clenching around him like he wanted, I raised up and slammed my body down. There would be time for us to make love later, but right now I just wanted to fuck. I wanted him hard and fast. I wanted to get him worked up so that he took control. I wanted to feel him pound into me.

That was the thing with Eric, I could have everything I wanted. When I wanted tender and slow sex, he was willing. When I wanted a quick hard fuck, he was game. He was willing to give me anything I wanted. Well almost anything. There was something he had that I wanted, and I would never get. I forced myself not to think about that and to focus on him, on the now.

I nipped at his earlobe, taking it in my mouth and sucking as I rode him. I moved fast, driving us both to the point of orgasm. I knew he was getting close, I could feel him and hear him. His words came fast, a long stream of obscenities mixed in with 'lover'. His fingers dug into my hips hard enough that it would leave bruises as he helped me move.

I could feel the orgasm building. I wanted him over me when I came. I wanted to wrap my legs around him to hold him close, I wanted to rake my nails down his back as I screamed his name. Sweat slicked my flesh as I slowed my movements. Eric growled in my ear and flipped us so that I was stretched out beneath him on the couch.

I pulled his face to mine so I could kiss him, my tongue thrusting deep in his mouth. He spread my legs so that one was draped over the back of the couch and the other was hanging over the edge. I was completely exposed to him. Eric scooted down the couch, leaving hot wet kisses on my breasts, my stomach, my hips. Then I choked on a scream when his mouth found my center.

His tongue swirled over my clit as his fingers parted my folds. Then he was lapping at me, sliding his tongue over me in long, sure strokes. My body trembled as I fought to hold off the orgasm. Which only spurred him on. His teeth nipped at my thigh as he slid a finger inside me. It curled and stroked over that one special spot. Even I couldn't hold off that orgasm. I came with a strangled cry, and while I was still riding the waves of pleasure, Eric moved back up my body and thrust deep into me.

I cried out again as he pulled out and pushed back in, forcing my body to take every inch of him. He pounded into me until the only sounds in the room were our moans and groans. My nails raked down his back as I came again. I constricted around his cock, causing him to falter before he renewed his efforts.

Our mouths met in a hungry kiss. Teeth bit into my lower lip, the sharp sting soothed away by the stroke of his tongue. I slid my tongue over his as I arched my hips to met his demanding strokes. His movements became erratic, and he was losing his rhythm, a sure sign of his own impending orgasm. I wrapped my legs around his waist and moved my mouth down the line of his jaw and his neck.

He came with a roar and a jerk. I kissed my way back to his mouth as his dick pulsed inside me. Our lips met again in a tender kiss and he shifted us so that we were laying on our sides, still wrapped around each other, him still buried inside me.

I nuzzled his neck as he held me, our breathing evening out. I had everything I wanted wrapped up in his arms. I was content and happy. I was safe. I felt loved. What more could a woman want? The voice inside my head said, _'Marriage or at least a man who isn't married. A man who could give himself to you completely and honestly.' _I winced as the voice went on, bringing up all my second thoughts and doubts.

I shifted a little in Eric's arms so that I could see his face. His eyes, those wonderfully blue eyes, were closed and a tiny smile teased his lips. Or was it a smirk? The one men get after they've been thoroughly satisfied. Well it didn't matter. My fingers trailed along his jaw on their own accord, and I found myself thinking about the first time we met.

It had been at a party. Not a wild and rowdy party, but a more dignified affair. Something, I forget just what exactly, that honored my friend Amelia Broadway's father, Copley Carmichael, down in New Orleans. It was held at Copley's rather extravagant house in the Garden District. I went with Amelia as moral support since she didn't exactly get along with her father and had been bored to death.

I was born and raised in Bon Temps, Louisiana. It was a rather small backwater town about an hour outside of Shreveport. I was more accustomed to the kind of party where the music blared and the booze flowed freely, not the kind where you stood around with a glass of wine and discussed political movements. I was so out of place in the little black dress that clung almost too tightly to my generous curves that Amelia loaned me that I was certain I had a tattoo on my head that said 'Hick'.

But Amelia had wanted me there, had pleaded with me to go with her. Since we had been best friends since my first and only year of college, and I loved her like a sister, I went for her. I kept to the shadows, avoiding eye contact with almost everyone, and watched as Amelia dutifully followed her father around the room as he accepted well wishes and congratulations, a fake and pained smile on her face.

There had been so many people there that I felt like I was in a cage. Too many people crowded into a large room, which made it feel like it was smaller than it actually was. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. I might have adored Amelia, but I had to get out of there. So I slipped out on the terrace and followed the path to the garden. Outside I could breathe. I stayed hidden, nursing the glass of wine I had carried with me.

I was rounding one corner, searching for the beautiful roses Amelia had told me about, when I slammed into a brick wall. Well it had felt like a brick wall. In reality it had been the chest of a very tall man with blond hair that was almost the same shade as mine. His deep blue eyes had smiled down at me, twinkling in amusement, and it was impossible to look into those eyes and not smile back.

I found out, after we exchanged apologies, that his name was Eric Northman and that he was visiting from Sweden, in hopes to do some business with Copley of the international sort. We ended up talking for hours, more or less exchanging our life stories. I didn't know why, or understand, but I felt such a connection to Eric and had agreed to meet him at Cafe Du Monde for beignets and coffee the next morning. I left with Amelia later and spent the whole night in a restless sleep, Eric's face haunting me every time I closed my eyes.

Breakfast turned into a stroll down Bourbon Street, visiting the shops and then we ended up having lunch at a small bar and grill that served the best shrimp etouffee I had ever tasted. After lunch, we went for a drive, spending hours in the car laughing and talking. One thing led to another, and we ended back at the hotel I was staying at.

I was completely captivated by him and invited him up to my room for a drink. It became more than a drink and within minutes of entering my room, Eric had me up against the door, giving me one of the most passionate kisses I had ever experienced. I had known all day that he wanted me, I could tell from the way he'd casually touch me, sending shivers racing up and down my back, and the way he'd look at me, blue eyes heavy and hot with desire.

I had never been the type to sleep with someone I'd just met, but we had spent so much time together the night before and that day that I honestly felt like I had known Eric my whole life. I wasn't about to deny that spark of passion that sprang up between us, and I kissed him back just as passionately.

We ended up spending the next day together, almost never leaving the bed. We had room service and fed each other chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne. When he left me the next morning, stating he had to get back to Shreveport, I felt like I was losing a piece of my heart. Even though I lived close to Shreveport and had given him my phone number, I was almost certain I was never going to see him again.

I was wrong. He called me two weeks later and we met again. It was two months before I finally learned who Eric Northman really was. Eric was a very prominent lawyer in Shreveport, and much to my dismay and shock, I learned that he was married.

The next time he came to me after I found out he was married, I was ready to end it. I wasn't going to be the other woman, I wasn't going to be the person that ruined a marriage. Marriage was something my Gran raised me to respect and honor so how could I help someone break his vows? Oh yes, I had been ready to end things.

But it took one look from Eric, one glance at the searing passion I saw reflected in those eyes of his, and I was tumbling back into bed with him. After we made love, I confronted him about his wife. He had looked ashamed when I accused him of using me to cheat on his wife. He had told me that he wasn't happy in his marriage, and he never realized how unhappy he was until he met me. He was going to leave her. He was going to end his marriage because he didn't see how he could live without me.

I believed him then, and I still believe him, even though it's been four months since that first promise. Four months of promises. Four months of lies. I was beginning to hate myself, for not ending things, for getting in too deep, for falling so desperately in love with Eric that I was willing to ignore all my common sense and how I was raised. My path to hell was paved by a blue eyed blond who could melt my panties with a twitch of his fingers and the curve of his lips.

Eric stirred, and I stilled my movements and brought myself back to the here and the now. He opened his eyes slowly and gave me a lazy smile. His touch was like fire as he brushed a strand of hair out of my eyes. I felt it all the way down to my toes. It took every ounce of self control not to jump him. I'm proud of myself that I didn't, when I could so easily tease him into my bed and make love to him all evening. The only thing that had me holding back was what Amelia had showed me today. I closed my eyes as I thought about it.

_Amelia showed up right on time and we walked down the streets to the small cafe that recently opened in Bon Temps. We were celebrating her recent engagement to Tray Dawson with a early breakfast then a trip into Shreveport to start looking at wedding gowns. I had no doubt that Amelia would reject every one we saw and we'd end up taking a trip to New Orleans to find one. We entered the cafe and waved to the proprietor, a new comer to Bon Temps whose red hair rivaled Arlene Fowler's._

_We ordered our cafe au lait and headed to one of the small tables in the back. Amelia let the Shreveport paper she was holding_ _slap against the glass topped table as she sat down. I just stared at her in confusion. The only time she carried around a paper was when something interesting was in the society page. Being Copley Carmichael's daughter, she liked to keep up with the hoity toity people of Shreveport, just to stay in practice, she claimed. Personally, I thought she liked to read the gossip then gloat because she was out of that way of life._

"_So, what has you all aflutter this morning?" I asked as I tore the croissant I had gotten to go with my drink in half and nibbled on the soft flaky pastry._

"_Not what, but who. Well what too, considering," she replied softly and fingered the edge of the paper. "Sookie, has Eric said anything new to you, you know, about _her_?"_

_I frowned, knowing exactly who she was talking about. Why did Amelia have to bring _her _up? Was it really necessary to remind me that someone had what I didn't? My voice was tight and rigid when I finally spoke. "No. We don't discuss that."_

"_Maybe you should," Amelia said slowly and slid the paper over to me._

_I stared at her, trying to see what she was thinking. I knew she disapproved of my relationship with Eric. She was constantly warning me that I was going to end up hurt. Did she think I didn't know __that? No matter how many times I told her that Eric promised me that he'd leave his wife, she kept reminding me that he hadn't done it yet. Her face remained blank and she just tapped a finger against the paper._

_I picked it up and read through the society reports. It was nothing special, wedding announcements, engagements, divorces. The odd birth announcement. There was a piece about a big soiree that had been held at the Horseshoe Casino. I started to ask what she wanted me to read when I saw it. The piece was small,_ _and I almost missed it._

_My heart turned to stone,_ _and I felt my stomach churn as I read that Eric Northman and his wife were expecting their first baby. I felt bile in my throat and swallowed hard. It had to be a lie. This could not be true. Eric would have said something to me. Wouldn't he?_

_I pushed my half eaten croissant away, no longer hungry. Amelia gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm going to assume by the way you look that he didn't tell you."_

_I numbly shook my head. "No, he didn't. Amelia, this can't be true."_

"_Sookie," Amelia said slowly, "You know it is,_ _and he didn't tell you on purpose."_

_I felt the sting of tears. "No, he wouldn't be that cruel. This is a lie, a mistake. You'll see. I'll ask him tonight."_

"_You need to end things."_

"_I love him." _

"_He doesn't love you."_

"_Yes he does!" I snapped harshly, so tired of hearing her say that. What did she know? She never saw Eric, she didn't know him. She couldn't possibly understand. You'd think that being in love with Tray would make her understand._

"_Sookie, if he loved you, really loved you like you think, then why would he cause you so much pain?" Amelia asked gently. "How many times has he promised you that he was going to leave his wife? How much longer are you going to put yourself through this?"_

"_Amelia, don't..." I trailed off when she held up a hand._

"_No, Sookie. I'm going to because I love you. I can't stand seeing you like this. You are living a lie. You are helping him live a lie. You may love him, but is love really worth living in the shadows? If you can't give yourself completely to someone who you claim to love, then why be with them?"_

"_You make it sound like it_'_s a game to him."_

"_Maybe it isn't a game. Maybe he really does love you. But Sookie, he doesn't love you enough,_ _otherwise he'd have left his wife long before this. You deserve to have a rich and full life and you don't. You've put everything aside for_ _him. You give him your best, and you get scraps in return. The proof is in the paper."_

_I stared at her as the first tear fell. I hated, absolutely hated,_ _that she was right. Everything she said was true and lately I had been asking myself the same thing. Did Eric really love me? Or was I just convenient to him? How could I love someone who kept me on the side?_

_I drained the last of my drink and stood up. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."_

"_Sookie, what are you going to do?"_

_I sighed and fingered my purse. "I'm going to go wedding dress shopping with you and then I'll go __home. When he comes tonight, I'll ask him. I'll find out the truth."_

"_And if it is true?" Amelia stood with me and touched my shoulder, the light touch conveying her sympathy and acceptance._

"_I don't know," I finally said after several minutes. I really didn't know. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to consider what I had read being true. I didn't want to think of Eric fathering a child with another woman. I wanted him all to myself and that didn't seem to be happening._

I never should have let things go this far, not tonight. It just felt more wrong than it ever had. How was it that one man could just suck away my willpower and resolve with one look and touch? What was it about Eric that made me weak in the knees?

I sat up, causing Eric to look at me. I said nothing and stared at the clock. Almost two hours had gone by. It was a testament of how much Eric clouded my mind when I was with him. I lost all sense of time. I sighed and bit my lip as I stood up. I knew what I had to talk to him about, I just didn't want to. I was so afraid that he'd say yes, it was true. What would I do if it was? Would I be able to continue with this affair if his wife was pregnant? Was I capable of doing that? It had been different when it was just them, I'm not sure how, but it was. A baby changed everything.

Eric shifted so that he was sitting up. He reached for me, his touch light on my shoulder. I turned my head to study him. I loved that face. I could stare at it for hours and never get tired of it. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I wanted to press my lips to his and lose myself in the wonder that was Eric. But I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I caught myself before I could. He frowned, and I looked away. I couldn't look at him and ask. I was such a coward. "Eric, do you think we are ever going to be happy together?"

"What makes you ask that? I thought we were happy," he responded after a pause.

I gave him a sharp look. "You're happy with this?" I waved my hand to include the room and our situation. "You're happy sneaking around with me?"

"It works."

"Eric, I'm your mistress. Do you honestly think that I am happy about that? I thought-," I bit my tongue and looked away.

"Sookie," he used my name this time and took my hands in his.

"No. You keep saying that we'll be together. But we aren't. I'm not sure if I can do this anymore." It hurt to admit it, but I had to be truthful. I'd always been truthful with Eric.

"I love you."

"Love isn't enough. I need all of you, Eric. I can't share you, it's tearing me up."

"What brought all this on? I thought you were happy."

"And I thought you were going to leave your wife. You said you would. You said you loved me and wanted to be with me, you just needed time. You've had time, Eric," I snapped. I stood up and paced the length of my living room. "You keep making promises, and you aren't keeping them. Now she's pregnant? What now?"

"You know?"

Once more my heart turned to stone and simply shattered. I gave him an agonizing look. "It's true?"

Eric's eyes went a little hard. "Yes, it's true."

"I don't believe this," I said weakly and turned away from him.

"Wait, listen. Yes, she's pregnant, but I'm not even sure that it's mine."

I turned slowly to look at him. "So you think she's cheating on you?"

"It wouldn't be the first time," he growled.

I had a sudden and horrible thought. "Do you really love me or was I just your revenge against her for cheating on you? Are you just using me?"

Eric rose and grabbed me by my arms and gave me a little shake. "No, Sookie. Don't ever think that. I do love you."

"But not enough to leave her," I spat bitterly.

"That isn't fair."

"Isn't it?" I asked. "I've given you all of me, given you my heart. All you've done is throw it back in my face. Why can't I have what she has?"

"You have more than she does."

"No, I don't have your ring on my finger. I don't have you completely in my life."

Eric opened his mouth to say something, but the harsh shrill of his phone ringing cut him off. He fished around for his pants, and as I watched, I wondered just when he had lost his pants. While he pulled out his phone and answered it, I disappeared into my room to pull on a short purple robe. It had been a gift from Eric on my birthday last month.

When I came back in, Eric was pulling his clothes on. He gave me an apologetic look and said in answer to my unspoken question, "I have to go."

My stomach clenched. "It was her...wasn't it?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "She needs me to pick up a few things for her."

"Stay," I said it before I could think. As soon as the word left my mouth, I bit my lip. Never before in all the time we'd been together had I asked him to stay when his wife called. He'd left my bed more times than I could count because she called, and I always watched him leave. Now I didn't want to.

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Just call her back and tell her you can't." I tried hard to keep the tears I felt welling up from falling.

"Don't do this."

"I can't help it. I want you stay. Please, stay with me. Don't leave me, not now."

"Don't make me choose." His face had twisted into something pained.

"I love you," I said and swiped a hand under my eyes. "I don't want you go. I'm tired of not having you."

He came over to me and framed my face, kissing me on my forehead. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Eric...stay." It cost so much to ask him to stay again. But if he walked out, I wasn't sure if I would be able to do this again. There is only so much one can take. You can only share someone you love with someone else for so long. I was at my breaking point.

"Good bye, Sookie," Eric said with another kiss on my lips, and he turned and left.

The door shut behind him, and in the silence it sounded like a blast. I stared at the door, the tears sliding slowly down my face. I clutched the robe tighter around me as I turned to go back to my room. I crawled to the center of the bed and curled up, my shoulders shaking with my sobs.

I couldn't do this any more. I couldn't keep watching him leave me for her. Tonight had been like having my heart ripped out of my chest. Amelia was right, I deserved so much more than this kind of life. I was so tired of living a lie, living a half life.

Why had I let myself be fooled into this? I used to look down on the people I knew that cheated. Suddenly I was one of those people. I was the other woman. I was playing a part in wrecking someone's life. I didn't know Eric's wife, and I didn't want to know her. If I ever ran into her on the streets, which was highly unlikely, I'd probably just die. I couldn't even look the people I knew in the eye because they knew what I was doing. People who had watched me grow up now looked at me with disgusted shame.

All my life I had strived to be better. I had gone to college but dropped out because my grandmother got sick. I watched my brother Jason go from one woman's bed to another, never caring if they were single, dating someone else, or married. I can't count how many times I lectured him or made a snide remark to him about his nighttime habits. Yet, here I was, doing the same thing. I hadn't made my life better, I had just put it in some sort of stasis.

This was not what I wanted for myself. It was becoming very clear that Eric, despite his words of love, was never going to leave his wife. And if he did, would we really have a good relationship? I mean, he cheated on her, what's to say in a few years, he wouldn't do the same to me?

I was going to end this. I was better than this. Even as I thought about it, I dreaded the thought of leaving Eric. He was all I wanted in a man, minus the whole cheating business. He was kind and considerate. He had a possessive streak, sure, but it was the sexy kind. He had a very good career and good looks to go with it. He was refined but still had some rough edges. He was at home in the finest restaurants or cooking in the middle of my kitchen.

I still had no decision on what to do by the time I fell asleep. The next morning I was awakened by a knock on my door. I wrapped my blanket around me as I stumbled through the apartment to the door, half wishing I had stopped to fix my dreadful bed hair in case it was Eric that was knocking. It wasn't. It was Amelia, with two cups of coffee and a bag of donuts.

She came in, took one look at my face, and pulled me into her arms. There in her comforting embrace, I broke down again. I sobbed it all out, told her everything. She led me to the couch and held me as I cried some more. I didn't have to say anything else, she understood me perfectly. When I finally stopped sniffling, she pushed a tissue and a cup of coffee in my hand.

"That's it," she said so decisively that I almost dropped my coffee. "We are getting away for awhile."

"I can't do that," I said as I wiped my eyes. "Eric..."

"Fuck him." I stared at her, and she glared at me. "I've kept quiet," when I snorted she ignored me and went on, "I've kept quiet on this long enough. I think part of the problem is that you are too accessible to him. If you got away, you could think more clearly. Which you need to do. You aren't going to make any decisions when you know that he can come see you and seduce you into staying with him."

"That isn't how it is at all."

"Oh yeah? Tell me, if you decided to end things with him, and he came here, kissing and loving on you, would you leave?"

My hesitation spoke volumes. Amelia sighed. "Sookie, honey, I love you, and I want you to be happy. You aren't happy. You won't be happy if you are with him."

"I love him," I said rather weakly.

"Despite what The Judds sing, love doesn't build no bridges. Do you think he is going to leave his wife?"

"No, I really don't think he is." It was horrible saying it, but it was how I felt. He had many chances and never did.

"Do you think that the baby is his?"

"He could be telling the truth and it not be his."

"Or he could be saying that to get you to stay. If his wife isn't putting out, he can always come down here. Is he still sleeping with her?"

I couldn't answer that because I didn't know. I never wanted to know so I never asked him. I just assumed he didn't. After all, he loved me right?

"Sookie, please, open your eyes and see what is going on here," Amelia pleaded with me. "You are so much stronger than this. You don't need him."

"I feel like I'd die without him."

"But you won't."

"I don't know what to do," I confessed. "I know I should end it, I really do. But..."

"Sometimes," Amelia started slowly and stared me in the eyes, "you have to give up what you want the most to be happy. You can want something and never get it. It seems to me that what you want the most is to be with Eric, completely, but that isn't going to happen, or it would have already."

"I believe that he loves me."

"Sookie, if he loved you, he wouldn't make you suffer like this." Her voice was gentle but I heard a weariness in it, as if she was tired of repeating the same thing over and over.

I bit my lip. "I know. I know. Look, I'll talk to him tomorrow. He's supposed to come by."

"Talk to him Sookie, really talk to him. Don't sleep with him."

She didn't have to tell me that. Until things got sorted out, I wasn't going to sleep with him. Amelia and I drank our coffee and ate the donuts while discussing her wedding plans. She wanted to have the ceremony in New Orleans, which caused a little pain since that was where Eric and I had first met. After about an hour she left, and I got on with my day. I went to work and even my boss, a long time friend of the family, commented on how bad I looked and actually sent me home.

I was sitting at my computer, looking at vacation spots, thinking it might be nice to get away after all, when my phone rang. It was Eric. I almost dropped the phone in my haste to pick it up. His voice washed over me like warm liquid, something you could just melt into.

"Sookie."

"Eric, I didn't expect to hear from you."

"I know, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be coming over tomorrow."

I blinked and looked at the computer screen blindly, not sure if I had heard him right. "What?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm going away."

"Away..." I repeated dumbly. "For what?"

"A weekend getaway."

"With your wife."

"Yes," he admitted, and I heard the annoyance in his voice.

He never went away with her. He once told me that he couldn't stand to be alone in the same room with her for more than five minutes and suddenly he was going away for the weekend with her? If he was so mad at her for being pregnant and suspected that she carried someone else's child, then why was he going away with her? None of it made sense.

"I see."

"No, I don't think you do. Look, she thinks that it will help our relationship."

How could words cut so deeply? He was going to go away to try and fix his relationship with her. A relationship that was almost non-existent. I swallowed the lump in my throat as things suddenly got clearer. I cursed myself for being so nave. "What about us?"

"I'll come see you when I get back," he said calmly.

"Are you going to sleep with her? Have you been sleeping with her?" I asked suddenly. Before I hadn't wanted to know, but now I did.

"She's my wife," Eric said as if it explained it all, and it really did.

"So, the baby could really be yours, no matter what you think," I said and bit my lip to hold back the sobs.

"I don't have time for this. I'll see you on Monday."

"No."

"No?"

"That's right, no," I said firmly and pushed down the small wailing voice that told me to shut up. I understood things a lot better now, and Amelia was right, I was better than this, stronger than this. I might feel like I was dying later, but I'd survive. "I won't be here."

"Then when you get back," Eric said agreeably.

"I'm not coming back. It's over, Eric."

"You don't mean that." He sounded panicked. Was it because he really loved me or because he was losing the one steady bed partner he had? I wasn't going to ask to find out.

"I do mean it." I blew out a breath. "Here's the deal, either you love me and will leave her for me, or you don't. It's as simple as that. I'm not going to wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. I can't play these games. I'm tired of waiting on you, tired of empty promises and tired of being used."

"Sookie, I can't leave her, not yet, not until I know if the baby is mine."

"Not yet, not yet. It's always not yet. So what if it is yours? People have babies together and aren't together all the time. If it is your baby, you can still be a father to it while being with me. This isn't about the baby, it's about you being unwilling to let go of something you keep telling me you don't want. It's about you having the best of both worlds, a wife at home to cook and clean for you and a sweet mistress willing to let you fuck her deaf, dumb, and blind. I'm done. I'm not going to be your play toy anymore. I've loved you since I first saw you, and all I'm getting is crumbs. I can't live like this anymore. I hate my life, hate what I've become. It's over."

By the time I was finished emptying my heart out to him, I was sobbing hard. I had no idea if he even understood last few words I spoke because I was crying so hard. But every single word I spoke, I meant. I was done. It just took a lot to wake me up, but I was finally doing what I should have done the moment I found out he was married.

"I'm sorry, Sookie, but I have to go. If you change your mind and want to talk, you know where to find me"

"That's it? I spill my guts to you and you have to go?" I cried.

I heard Eric sigh and tell someone that he'd be ready to leave in a minute. "Well obviously you've made up your mind and nothing I can say will talk you out of it."

"You are wrong," I whispered, "there is something you could say but you won't say it. Good bye, Eric. Congratulations on the baby."

I hung up before he could say anything and slid off my chair into the floor. I curled up and sobbed into my knees. Everything he had said to me was a lie. Every word of love, every promise, every touch, it had been a lie. I had blindly let myself be used and was so stupid for it. I hurt someone, because I was sure his wife knew he had a mistress and even if she was cheating on him, being cheated on still hurt. I lost the respect of the town I had loved my whole life. I had lost the respect of my best friend. Most importantly, I had lost my own self respect.

I had no idea what I would do now. I had no idea what kind of life I would have. I don't think I'd ever trust myself with a man again. Not because I couldn't trust them, but because I couldn't trust me. I wasn't sure I wanted to be with anyone else. Even though I was mad at Eric, even though he had hurt me so deeply, I still loved him. That would be my shame to bear for the rest of my life. I'd love a man I couldn't have and the only way to have him was if I was willing to share him.

I'd get away. I'd take Amelia up on her offer to take a trip. I needed to get away to clear my head. I needed time to heal. I needed time to get Eric out of my mind since it would be impossible to get him out of my heart. All I knew is that it was over, and I didn't have to live with this ugly shadow hanging over my head. Realizing that made me feel so much better which, as my Gran would always say, meant I had made the right decision. I would do my best from now on to live a better life, a honest one.


End file.
